HOLY WHAAAAAT…I am one year and one day sober.
The most important thing I can say here (that is not an expletive) is thank you. Thank you to every single person who made themselves available to help me. Thank you to those who allowed me to be a part of your lives. Thank you to all of you for your support. Thank you to my Higher Power for giving me a chance to change.
I care more about this birthday than I have any other natal birthday in my lifetime. I spent all day yesterday with beautiful people who I love madly. I am humbled beyond any flimsy words that would try and fail to capture how great it feels to be in love like this.
Just a few days ago, a very good friend of mine imparted some wisdom about what it means for us moving forward in recovery:
“This is about letting those battlefields go and finding a new spiritual landscape inside that was once bare. It’s your true self and when you know who that is, you will know how to proceed with love in your heart. What others think and do will become unimportant and you will have the ability to choose.”
I once knew an ambivalence toward my own heart that always left me confused and defeated by the innumerable choices before me. It never occurred to me that by drinking like I did, I gave up my ability to choose best for myself. There was little difference between my way of thinking and a bantam heavyweight championship fight–I would become enraged that I couldn’t feel what my intuition was nudging me to do, so I would throw major right hooks at my emotional numbness, fighting my faults with negativity…to the psychic death. I took cheap shots (Jameson, especially) at myself, in the end. It was damn near impossible to keep fighting when I always knew the booze would win. As a result, my spirit began slipping into a slow and agonizing death from one too many punches thrown.
Today, I am free to love myself because I gave up the fight. I have no power over my addiction to alcohol. Once I start drinking, I cannot control my alcohol intake, no matter how good my intentions are. By being in recovery, I am going against my body and mind’s natural state to self-destruct. Now that booze is no longer in my system, however, I get the chance to transmute all of that combativeness into care for myself, the kind of care that allows me to avail myself of others’ needs.
So with that, I leave all of my love to you, bloggers and readers, especially those who are finding it hard to be good to yourself. Be happy. You are loved. There is no use in fighting it.